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A study of human behaviour as a rational insightful machine. A doctor's most important lesson.

Earlier this year I was diagnosed with a chronic disease, that is, something I will be carrying around until it takes me down, or takes  the possibility of doing something of my life I had planned and now I need to hurry - running out of time? Sadness, denial? Maybe, but what the hell, mostly: it is incredible how the possibility of death or the simple barrier between you and your dreams make you alive. Life gets more colorful. You smile more, god knows when you'll cross that person again, or see that place again. Maybe next time you won't be in a good shape at all, let it be in 60 or 80 years, whatever. What do you know? I thank the threat of death for making me see life brighter. My biggest fear of dying asking myself "what if" has been cross checked. Life's good, I don't feel betrayed by it, I think it gives me a chance. Thanks, I'll take it. That's all there is. 

I'm not a very dramatic person that makes a big deal out of stuff and maybe this is nothing at all, but insightful experiences always leave a mark on you. And that's the good stuff, by the way. Maybe this is not killing anyone AT ALL, but just killing some possibilities, for some people, that's death dressed not in black, but in some other color.

Doctor's recommendation: smile at the face of death.

A book to read: Saramago, As interminências da morte.


Saramago is amazing even.
Interesting when we encounter a problem and so hard that we find in ourselves.
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We are chimeras

This journey is over. That was a great chunk of my life. I have rented a garage and left a bunch of stuff behind. I shall come back to retrieve it, but will I want it all back, when I reopen those boxes, will I still need them? So I thought about this, and these are the transcripts of my thoughts:

I first step foot on this land as a teenager who denied the existence of the Home. The world was bound to be the Home, and I knew it, even then. I have always suffered from chronic curiosity.

We felt everything, we knew nothing, we toasted and danced, we slept on couches and had neck-pain the other day. I was present and took part in weddings, police investigations, births, fires, carbon monoxide poisoning and car accidents. I left my appendix here, I ran through the streets of a cold winter to catch an ambulance before they left to help a friend, I didn’t think about slipping on the ice and dying, not a single moment. I developed a nail polish habit, a skin care routine and depression as …

Quem não escreve, respira sem ar.

eu te encontrei
haviam lá mil correntezas que me levavam ao mesmo lugar
eu nao te amei
saibas que sei mentir quando preciso nadar
nos calculei
e perdi a conta de quantas vezes precisei falar
e de uma so vez
redigi palavras cuspidas no ar
a pontuação - larguei freios corri a te amar
as mil armadilhas que me convenciam a voltar
avenidas com teu nome que sempre me guiavam ao lar
enquanto te escutava mas ja nao sabia te amar
mal afundei e
desacreditei nossos planos; so quis poetar.
essas tantas vezes que quisera dissertar.
quiçá quem não o escreve
respira sem ar.