Rianne (vive) no auto-piloto.

“I wish you a great future”, then she gave me her hand - similar to a peace offering. She had a simple case of a stomach ulcer, I had patched her up around 3am in our ER, I had simply asked her if there had been any unusual stress in her life lately, to which she replied “I had kids too early, I wish I had done more with my life”. I could feel the courage-fuel she was burning while saying these words. I didn’t give her any speech. Just admiration, and a small part of me smirked at my childhood hoping my mother had realized that sooner. Well, she didn’t. I made my life’s mission to become exactly the opposite of her. As I typed in another ER report for the 27-year-old sitting next to me, I came to an uncomfortable realization: how not often patients wish us anything at all, like we’re not people, like we don’t have feelings. She had wished me as much as a great future - that’s a lot. I hope she knows that’s exactly what I wished her, too. Truth is, I felt like my emotional energy could...

Как-то вяло, said Sabrina, looking down on her New Year’s present. A thick pair of jeans. Frustration wouldn’t begin to describe it: she hadn’t showered for days because the water in the building had been turned off — turns out pipes do freeze and her nails, oh, her nails… A disaster. Not something a woman like — her — should be showing around. You see, Sabrina met Georgiy, which now went by George in the United States, while serial visiting museums, theaters and boutiques in Moscow, she would eat cans of caviar without thinking of tomorrow — ведь девушка так должна жить, пуская Георгий придумает откуда икры еще взять. This, in her head, was the real her. And George’s American pay check took her Her away from her... Every. Month. He’s the man, she thought, why, in her artistic mind, was she now forced to work, to simply make rent and edibles? Why on Earth? To work at the groceries 30 minutes away by bus. In thirty minutes she’d Moscow’s center! But here she was leaving from nowhere g...

Malibu, 2025. Note to self. It had been already snowing. Awfully early to, but it was Moscow. Normally, after the first snow I’d meet Seda and she would complain about every single aspect of her life and connect it to the snow fall and the coming winter. Now, however, it was just me. I remember I had been looking for emotional sustainability. I, yet, couldn’t find the equivalent of “green, sustainable” for feelings. I was not sure either it was a color. Oh. Right. It was exac tly the things that happened after we graduated that defined us. I died my hair blond, took off to Vienna to meet old affairs and taste the Austrian cuisine (all of it, but I specialized on schnitzels and apfelstrudels). Martin moved with Masha and Domenico to the countryside, after which they became gypsies in the alps. Seda took off with Gennady to the United States in the pursuit of happiness according to the American constitution. I became a vegan after that, but remained blond. Seda ended up working tem...

A lot of people will say I'm silly, that I have everything: opportunity, privilege, money, a highly helpful Uber app, a nice set of teeth, that I sound like the average western prick that is looking for the meaning of life. Whatever, the point in writing this is bringing up people to speed to a real problem: Stop blaming people for being "sad", "depressed", "down", it can often be a medical condition. I don't mind "feeling naked" if that will help at least one person. You don't blame anyone for catching the flu, do you? My point. There is a lot of stigma in medicine. It's our version of racism. What is the "moral ground" for it? The idea that of a sick person is to blame for his/her condition, then we should stigmatize that person. You name it: HIV+ patients, clinical depression, lung cancer. You have done it, I'm sure, at least one time (even if only in your head). I have always taken a deeper interest exactly at...

I'm in a great rage now, as I understand how many lives we have lost, he thought to himself, as he took a flight back home from South Africa. Home had become a toll of guilt for him, every time he took this very flight, away from the desperate need of change, droughts, lack of all things human and unvalued by a good part of people on the other side, in Canada, the idea of home had become too foggy. We would never have an HIV epidemics, he reassured himself. No, they had been relatively lucky. Not on the other side, his side, his home, which came now with the price of privilege. His last trip had been life-changing, like many others, but this time he was ready to present his book in Canada — Race Against Time— and maybe put some color about the other side, about the HIV epidemics in Africa, the one he would so like to combat systematically, even if as an individual. He had been agitated the whole flight, there was absolutely no message he could deliver in that opening that would ...

“Не ищите ответов”, - сказал он четко. Однако мне потребовалось несколько лет, чтобы понять эту фразу. Её произнёс профессор Философии и пациент отделения кардиологии. “Умейте задавать себе правильные вопросы”. Я на него смотрела и донца не могла понять смысл сказанного. В тот момент мне хотелось лишь выспаться, но с того дня я «допрашивала» себя чаще: зачем я год за годом, отдаю медицине лучшие годы своей жизни? И так уже шесть лет. Мы скоро, буквально через пару месяцев, будем врачами. Что же мне необходимо, какие профессиональные и человеческие качества я должна развивать, чтобы допустить себя к людям в худший момент их жизни? Оказывается, есть многое за пределами учебников. Задавая себе все время вопросы, я понимаю, что приближаюсь ближе и ближе к ответу. Дифференциальный диагноз, интерпретация анализов, написание истории болезней, правильно собранный анамнез — это те термины, которые мы слышим каждый день, которые мы за шесть лет должны уметь применять в пользу пациента...

I wish I had enough heart left to fall in love with you this emptiness is everywhere is every me I have grown immune to things like pain alcohol love If I could only get a naiviness shot I'd fall in love with you first thing in the morning. amorousé equals to not knowing take me wherever (I know this path I have spilt this blood) I have been (shredded) everywhere. when you leave close this heart after you (tape me) 

eu te encontrei haviam lá mil correntezas que me levavam ao mesmo lugar eu nao te amei saibas que sei mentir quando preciso nadar nos calculei e perdi a conta de quantas vezes precisei falar e de uma so vez redigi palavras cuspidas no ar evaporei a pontuação - larguei freios corri a te amar desmistifiquei as mil armadilhas que me convenciam a voltar inaugurei avenidas com teu nome que sempre me guiavam ao lar viuvei enquanto te escutava mas ja nao sabia te amar  (interpretar) mal afundei e desacreditei nossos planos; so quis poetar. agürei essas tantas vezes que quisera dissertar. quiçá quem não o escreve respira sem ar. 

This journey is over. That was a great chunk of my life. I have rented a garage and left a bunch of stuff behind. I shall come back to retrieve it, but will I want it all back, when I reopen those boxes, will I still need them? So I thought about this, and these are the transcripts of my thoughts: I first step foot on this land as a teenager who denied the existence of the Home. The world was bound to be the Home, and I knew it, even then. I have always suffered from chronic curiosity. We felt everything, we knew nothing, we toasted and danced, we slept on couches and had neck-pain the other day. I was present and took part in weddings, police investigations, births, fires, carbon monoxide poisoning and car accidents. I left my appendix here, I ran through the streets of a cold winter to catch an ambulance before they left to help a friend, I didn’t think about slipping on the ice and dying, not a single moment. I developed a nail polish habit, a skin care routine and depression as...

It's like you're stuck in yourself, I answered him, soundly, it's like you're hitting the walls, and the walls are your skin, and you can't get out, it doesn't even echo. He looked at me with a grim on his face, as if words were too little or not powerful enough to put it out there. I knew this, because I had been trying to reach out for words myself all this time, but I hadn't been able to. The streets were covered in a mud that reminded us nothing of Christmas time, in fact, our slow pace made it look like we belonged somewhere else, a warmer else. Before I began to calculate how long these shoes would survive, he grabbed my arm, in a way that made me wake up and mess up with the show-math. You see, it's easy to play out the victim, or even easier to play strong, it's a lot harder to do this, what you're doing, to be wide-open about your weak spots and to bring up a solution in the same strain of thought. I kept walking around the mud, feeli...

Atenção, Das coisas que eu não te disse, mas com muita insegurança, fazendo desvios, inclusive dos teus abraços, tentei te dizer, eis aqui mais do que algumas. Eu não sinto a tua falta, pois há muito aprendi a viver sem ninguém. Cultivei esse objetivo, agora colho. Por isso, desde o primeiro momento que te deixei entrar, não foi casual, foi tudo planejado, eu havia preparado tudo isso pra ti, uma cadeira ao meu lado, que andava vazia, a cadeira-companhia. Por isso não sinto a tua falta, deixo apenas que tu acrescentes algo a mais à minha vida, então faz-lo! E se te dá vontade de aqui mesmo levantar-te, esvaziar a cadeira, eu nem sei se me restam as forças para pensar em querer chorar, pois já vi tanto triste que esse seria apenas mais um triste na pilha dos tristes, acostumado, comum, não menos triste! Mas conhecido. Como o amigo que toma o café, e sái, desavisado, até a próxima. Fora isso, não te disse que penso em ti. O tempo inteiro. Imagino um carro com porta-malas grande o sufi...

Vivo em um limbo cultural Dou brecha ao destino Lembro de Maria e Lampião Pego avião Continuo atemporal na tristeza desta geografia do meu sentimento que se espalha que é mais que continental

Mistakes are moving wheels. Just like the right calls — they are also full of potential for change. The one and only difference is that the latter (can) brings something unexpected. And of course, no one is ever wanting to make a mistake, be mistaken or misunderstood. Could it be so bad? In 1492, Columbus came across what he judged to be an island, the Indies. It was such a time of great assurance that Europeans thought that all they knew was already known, written in the Bible; and what they did not know — was not theirs to understand in the first place and God probably had a good reason for that. He couldn’t, anywhere in his mind, admit that he had discovered a brand new continent. It couldn’t be, of course: the world was already and was always made of Europe, Asia and Africa. Mr. Vespucci, an Italian man who began his expedition in 1499, came across the same “island”. But this was a different encounter thanks to his perspective: he knew this was different, and not only he knew b...

I need just one cup of coffee to be entirely happy right now. I was repeating to myself walking around the bay, crystal clear water, smell of salt and good memories around. So in no time I was sitting there, reading my book, taking peaks out the window and feeling entirely happy, with that coffee. Complete. Such a foreign feeling for those who inhabitant big cities like Moscow and get used to having meals and breathing in and out when they remember to. I was stroke by so many moral questions, but in this peaceful state of mind, on an island in the middle of nowhere, they were more and more evident, as, in the human nature, the only real issues tend to be moral, not financial or where did I leave my keys-wise. They were all spreading out the surface. I dove in. Not in the sea I was staring at blue blue water, so inviting and salty and bond to cure everything. I dove into these moral questions. I had long pursued the idea of love as attachment. Having exercised that for years, it obvio...

Não publico fotos de bikini nem poesia própria pois me sinto nua.

Quando te pus na mala me desintegrei em pedaços também Eu tomando chá de avião Você pra trás. O mundo não cabe na nossa mão Nem na minha mala Nem na tua na minha vontade Cabe no meu acordar do lado teu Nos meus ataques (só de risos) Cabe no teu cheiro que ficou em mim. Cores promessas E olhando pra ti lá só ficando pra trás Fico sem dúvidas: Te levo na mala sim Pois se eu me despedir de ti Estaria mentindo

Respirei os teus sonhos Vivi pela metade Guardei ar e garra Para quando valesse a pena respirar Quis te falar o concreto Não me serviam as formulas Não me saiam as palavras Não me saia mais nada Vivi só por viver Senti a tua falta Pintei quadros só para renovar minhas memórias de ti Me distrai Esqueci Puxei ar E o teu cheiro já não me impedia de respirar Valia a pena Sem você Valia a pena até as duas metades. Vivi com ar e garra Pois não vivo de você Vivo de pulmões do que é meu do que eu quero que seja meu Inalo o que me estratifica em dezenas de camadas E me remonto ao expirar E me remonto ao inalar Me remonto pelo simples prazer de de novo me realinhar

Vou apagar as luzes. Deixa o sapato ali, não faz mal, contanto que se faça à dois. Ambíguo. Ora meu, ora teu. E agora mais de ninguém. Queríamos tanto conversar. mas foi na falta da necessidade de fazer-lo mesmo, que não o fizemos propriamente. O próprio. O jeito como o teu olhar fugia do meu, eu já lia tudo. Pára o mundo. Queria era escutar em bom português, queria tropeçar em um sinal de dois metros escrito "PÁRA!". Mas se fui eu mesma quem tirou o sinal dali, quem eu ia culpar? Culpa o vento. Culpa. Até chegar a uma desculpa que te apeteça a dor, a falta. Algo que ocupe o espaço de tudo isso. Um grito. Um cimento nessas paredes quebradiças, dessa fábrica esquecida na estrada. Passa gente o tempo inteiro, o dia inteiro e nem a vê. Já é noite e não há nada mais do ontem que foi nosso.  Lembra. Te contei de tudo. Você escutou mais da metade. Li teus livros e reli tuas dores. Nunca quis flores. Senti de tudo um pouco. Medi, perdi a medida, criei calos de andar atrás d...

“Будьте виросологами, и вы без работы точно не останьтесь”, были слова голландского доктора медицинских наук, вирусолог, изучающий вирус гриппа, Альберт Остерхаус, во время своей лекции на конференции iMed в 2014 году в Лиссабоне. Сначала аудитория реагировала смехом, а сами знали что поводов смеяться нет никаких. Согласно Всемирной Организации Здравоохранения (ВОЗ) инфекционные заболевания являются причиной 12% смертей среди населения всего мира. Даже в военное время, возьмем пример второй мировой войны, люди погибают в удивительных количествах от инфекционных заболеваний, неужели во время сражений — около полмиллиона солдатов войск США заразились малярией во время второй мировой войны. Остается вопрос: кто же врач? Ответа проще не бывает: инфекционные невидимые невооруженным глазом патогены. В настояще время человечество избавилось полность от всего лишь одной инфекции: натуральная оспа. Мы создали вакцины, безусловно, но часто некоторые привывки приходятся повторять во взро...

Один из отцов церкви скакал, что мы чувствуем себя лучше в обществе знакомой собаки, чем с человеком, язык которого нам не знаком: Так что чужеземец для человека иного племени не является человеком -- Монтьень "I've been counting how many terrorism warnings I will hear today", we were in this fancy german-like train in Moscow leaving for Vladimir. Looked anything but Russian. Not anything like the Rus', the Soviet Union, the Russian from the 90s being democracy-curious, instead it looked like the Russia trying to go a way it shouldn't go, the West. Cathedral in Vladimir, outside view. A чужеземец and an anthropology enthusiast. The country is so singular in so many cultural, historical and political aspects that the world has failed to understand it throughout all human history. Now there's a big terorrism awareness campaign going on, because it seems like it they scratch Russia or Russians in any way, then a war might really unleash. "If ...